"Plan B" - Hotel Pron

I recently stayed at the Marriott in Philadelphia and wanted to unwind from a long business conference by wreaking havoc on my body (and my hotel room). The goal was simple, spread as much DNA all over the walls, furniture and duvet covers as humanly possible. If I was successful, room 1721 would look like a CSI investigation and I would be left a broken, hobbled man. However, I made a fatal flaw in execution: I left the laptop at home! In a panic, I was forced to go to ”Plan B”….“OnDemand” hotel porn.

At first glance, I was delighted that the days of Skin-a-Max and the fast-forward-less OnDemand were a thing of the past. My biggest concern would be if these movies would show the money shot and avoid the prolonged male orgasm face (instant wood killer). Armed with a bottle of Jergens, I was ready to get the party started – cue the lights.

To reach my goal, I went all out and purchased the $39.99 “Adults unlimited package” (on the corporate Amex since my cock was on the clock). I started to select each movie, in the order they appeared, and proceeded to fast forward to the money shots, which were all pleasantly accounted for. The movies were par for the course: straight sex, amateur, older woman, blowjob, handjob, lesbian etc. Yawn! Maybe when I was 13 could these give me any movement in the pants, but years of internet desensitization have ruined any possibility of completion. I would need to see something more.

I scrolled further down the menu: Fat Girls, Dyke Lesbians, Japanese Crying Porn, Strap-on Female-Female Domination, Hairy Bush, Big Butts, Chocolate Mamas, Tiny Tits-Monster Cock’s and the always friendly Gaping Anal. Jaaackpot! It looks like this throw pillow is about to get its fair share of throat yogurt!

Three hot, steamy loads later, I was happy with the progress I had made on room destruction. The curtains were dripping, the ottoman looked like a scene from Caligula and the throw pillow was ready to be incinerated. However, I had exhausted almost every title on the list.

Tucked away at the very bottom, as if no one ever makes it to the end of the list, lay a hidden gem. The selection stood before me like a big red button you always want to push, but were afraid, “Ugly Girls Need Loving Too”. What? Ugly Girls? No fucking way!

I pressed play, nervous and excited. There it she was in all her glory. She was an octogenarian with a mug that looked like Eric Stoltz from MASK . She was sporting nice, thick grandma panties, which she removed to show her pierced labia. Each vaginal lip had what looked like a fishing weight on each side to create the longest beef drapes these eyes have ever seen.

There were three boys waiting to pleasure this Golem, each looked 15 years old and of the same gene pool as granny; however, they looked like C.H.U.D.S.. One of cannibals went down on her, to which I let out an audible gasp. The bile crawled up my throat and distracted me from further details. At least two girls, one cup had some hot chicks eating each other’s feces; this was just gross. Ugly granny incest porn is not what I signed up for! (I canceled my subscription to that site at least three months ago).

The two remaining troglodytes start drilling her toothless mouth. She starts speaking German (although I guess any time you have two cocks in your mouth you probably sound like your speaking German). I was disgusted with myself. And more to the point, I was disgusted with the Marriott.

I couldn’t go on any further with this experiment. I had been beaten by the ghastly granny and never got off a forth shot. I wrote a comment card to Marriott to explain my displeasure in ruining what should have been a beautiful evening. The text read as follows:

“You fucking people have some nerve. I like my porn like I like my coffee...amputated with two midgets tickling my stump. Ugly Girl's Gone Wild did not live up to its name. How dare you pass off granny incest porn as ugly chick porn. I am glad I came all over your heavenly bed. Please credit me for the adults unlimited.”

So here is the moral of the story for those traveling and planning to engage the auto erotic asphyxiation behavior. Hotel porn still has a long way to go before you leave the laptop home. Conspicuously absent were the fisting, scatting, impossible penetrations and midget-amputee porn we have all come to rely on to get off. But, nonetheless, if ugly, incest, granny porn are what get you off, then OnDemand will be a fine “Plan B” for your next hotel visit.