WII F-A-T

I decided to take a break from the police killing, carjacking and prostitute fucking of Grand Theft Auto (and my everyday life) to look into the healthier, less murderous, Wii Fitness. My wife had pre-ordered the game to try and add some movement into my day to day catatonia and I figured I would humor her.

I opened the box yesterday, setup the balance board, and placed myself delicately on the scale. The Wii asked for my height, weight etc.. and after a few moments of calculating, the Wii said I was obese. I was delighted! All had gone according to plan. And as I looked down at my cock sitting atop the scale I realized that I have an abnormally out of shape member.

My wife walked in from work and gasped at the site of me on my knees working the balance board and demanded I stand up. I was shocked to learn this game was not just about phallic weighing. As a man, the first thing to do with any purchased object is to 1) throw out the instructions b) Put your penis into, onto or around said object.

So, after some confusion and a thirty minute tutorial from my wife, I actually stood on the scale and put in real body measurements to see what would happen (not nearly as fun as the original plan). The Wii started calculating and then became judge, jury and executioner. I am overweight!

My world was shattered, bitch tits and all, and I feel like every little porker that stepped on the scale and came off with an eating disorder. I ran into the kitchen for some comfort ice-cream and resumed murdering and raping. I also continued to play Grand Theft Auto IV and flipped my wife the bird for ruining my evening.