Slow Walkers Suck!

I have wanted to rant about slow walkers for quite some time and warn you in advance that this is my number 1 pet peeve. Everyday I walk with venom in Manhattan, desperately trying to go somewhere... but I find that "people" don't have the same agenda. I think Ludacris said it best when he declared " Move Bitch.. Get Out Da Way.. Get Out Da Way Bitch Get Out The Way!"

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!! Here are some simple suggestions for you assholes who feel as though you can lollygag when you hit the streets of NYC.

1) Look Forward!! Guess what dipshit.. people are coming at you from all sides, its probably best to look in the general vicinity of people moving rather than your cell phone, I-Pod, or the dildo you obviously you have stuck in your ass.

2) Get the Fuck out of my way! I hate to reiterate that point, but if you see me coming towards you with speed and ferocity just clear the way!

I want to address the principal offenders here, so as not to alienate you other frustrate walkers. Those who walk by placing one foot in front of the other should be commended.

Here are the offenders:

Straight Out Of Prison Homey's- These mother fuckers have absolutely no where to go. They don’t have I-Pods.. the have tape players and boom boxes and bounce everywhere. My 96-year-old grandparents do laps around these people and still make Sunday brunch at Century Village in Boca.


Fat Bitches fatty-fatty-two-by-four-cant-get-through-the-kitchen-door, put down the fucking Crispy Creams and take those pylons you call legs and mooooo-ve the fuck out of my way

Cell Phone People- Hey I can do two things at the same time.. Unfortunately they are talk on the phone and chew gum.. what about WALKING assholes!. I am sure your friends love the sound of you in the streets of Manhattan shouting into their ear! Here comes that car bitch... splat!

Couples.. Yes daisy chain people, I am talking to you. I look forward to crashing into your arms and pulling your shoulders right out of the socket. If you leave me 3 inches between you I am in there like R Kelly on an amber alert.

I-Pod people - Nothing like completely blocking out the outside world when you are going somewhere. I know there is a nice shiny bus fender with your name on it and I sure as hell hope it's the M42. After it rolls your ass down, I will get on and hopefully save myself the aggravation of dealing with every other asshole on the street.

Crackheads - Who doesn't love an ashy, constantly itching crackhead. I know I do. But if you are going to pass out and play dead while on Benzo's and Methadone, you can at least have the courtesy to move yourselves in front of ongoing traffic rather then across the sidewalk. Just a suggestion of course.

God I hate people sometimes.. Enough about walking.